I Reach Out to You; Will You Reach Out to Me?

by Connie Goodbread, UUA Southern Region Congregational Life staff

Come on people now smile on your brother, 

everybody get together, try to love one another, right now. 

--The Youngbloods

I wrote this blog three days before the mass shooting at Pulse in Orlando.  I read it through and it is still what I want to say.  However, I cannot let our newsletter go out without saying something about this horrific act of violence that happened in the heart of Florida.  We humans are born out of a violent past and into a violent world.  The violence of nature cannot be tamed but we could try to curb the violence that is in our control.  If violence is preached about as the way into heaven, as one person’s right over another, as the only way of being heard, as a good way to make others bend to our will, as a true path to riches - we just end up with more and more violence.  If we do not look at how The United Stares of America contributes to this culture of violence, not only here, at home, but all over the world, the violence only continues.  My questions are - how do I contribute to this culture of violence? What do I need to change in myself?  Am I brave enough to make those needed changes?  

In a workshop last month I was asked by a participant - “What can we do to fight against the radicalization that is going on in the world today?”  This participant went on to say that what seemed to be at the core of this radicalization is the marginalization of segments of the world’s culture that seems to leave people oppressed and feeling powerless, with nowhere to turn.  Hate is easy when you are unloved and think that you have little to lose.  What I said back was, “Radical love.  We need to be who we say we are and, therefore, be truly counter-cultural.  We need to radicalize love.”

Where do we begin to radicalize love?  What’s the first step?  It seems to me that the only place we can begin is with our own hearts.  Am I willing to allow love into my heart?  I mean to really let love in.  Am I willing to look at creation lovingly?   Am I willing to manifest more love in the world - be loved and be love?  And when I fail to be as loving as I should be - am I willing to forgive myself and begin again, in love?  

How might this love help me to be a better person and partner?  How might this love help me to work toward deeper community?  To be in genuine community I must be willing to give part of me to become the we.  What am I willing to give, share, work at, discuss, compromise, take responsibility for, change, process and take part in - so that me becomes we and we are community.  It is only in community that we will have the greatest impact.  I am not talking about a community of like-minded people - or a social club or a discussion group.  This would be a full soul, body and mind community and experience. 

In a different workshop a participant asked me – “Then what?  What would happen if we succeeded?”  I laughed and said that I didn’t know but it would be fun to find out - maybe we would just lift off the Earth.  Someone yelled Rapture!  We all laughed.  I don’t know what would happen next.  I don’t know what it would be like if fear and greed and jealousy were not driving the bus.  If people were not oppressed by other people, if we really cared for one another, understanding that if one is oppressed all are oppressed.  I don’t know what that would be like - but I think it would be amazing.

Dr. King’s Beloved Community is a global vision, in which all people can share in the wealth of the earth. In the Beloved Community, poverty, hunger and homelessness will not be tolerated because international standards of human decency will not allow it. Racism and all forms of discrimination, bigotry and prejudice will be replaced by an all-inclusive spirit of sisterhood and brotherhood. In the Beloved Community, international disputes will be resolved by peaceful conflict-resolution and reconciliation of adversaries, instead of military power. Love and trust will triumph over fear and hatred. Peace with justice will prevail over war and military conflict.

The Beloved Community - I went on line and looked it up. I found a wealth of information.  Josiah Royce is quoted, as is Dr. King.  There are sermons from all across our Association.  Faith development programs are doing discussion groups and classes.  Progressive religious blogs from many Denominations discuss its merit.  It is compared to The Kingdom of God, Utopia, Nirvana and the harmony of all life.  It is used as an invitation on congregational website - Come into our Beloved Community.  In this invitation it is implied that this congregation has indeed achieved becoming a Beloved Community.  I would like to see that because far too often we mistake the Beloved Community for the walled city on the hill.  They are not the same. I want to suggest that we have not built the Beloved Community yet.  Even if we have the greatest congregation in the whole wide world, we are not there yet.  We do not sit at the welcome table.  We are still struggling to find more love somewhere and we have not found, nor have we formed, the Beloved Community.  

We hunger and long for it and because of our hunger and our longing, when, for the briefest of moments, we get a glimpse of it, a twinkling, a sparkle, a perfect harmonious note - we think we have found it.  But we have merely gotten a glimpse, a twinkle, a sparkle and a note of perfect harmony.  Because of that - because of having had that moment, we know what it feels like - it feels like home.  Home, that place where you are warm, understood, loved and cherished for who you are not what you can do or give or even what others want you to be.  Home, where there is love and trust and all are welcome.  Home, where there is empathy and support.  

Dr. King’s Beloved Community is a global vision. We cannot be there in small pockets.  If one is oppressed all are oppressed.  Therefore, the Beloved Community cannot happen merely inside a congregation - because our congregations do not exist in isolation, in a vacuum, all alone.  Our congregations, no matter how great they are, exist in this world, this imperfect human world.  This imperfect human world that is far too often driven by fear, greed and hatred.  This imperfect human world where oppression is the water we swim in.   

So - in this world of imperfection - what can we hope for?  What is to be done?  How can we make a difference?  Where do we begin?  What can we change?  Again, we begin with ourselves as we are.  We begin with a change of heart.  I reach out to you; will you reach out to me?

Whole Church

by Natalie Briscoe, UUA Southern Region Congregational Life staff

In my last article for our Southern Region news, I wrote about a model of youth ministry that is relationship centered and based in a mentorship model rather than a group or class-based model. It would be an understatement to say that I received  some strong reactions to that article. I received calls and emails from around the country asking for more information about how to implement a program such as this in their congregations.  It was wonderfully exciting to see how many congregations throughout our Unitarian Universalist Association are ready and willing to experiment with new ideas of serving our Youth.  I was so grateful to be a part of those conversations. 

I thought for many weeks about how to write a program that detailed exactly how to build mentoring relationships into the youth program. I considered writing about safety policies, how to handle communication with youth, and how to select and train your mentors. I thought about writing a detailed list of topics to talk about in mentor/mentee conversations and how to structure and plan these meetings. I thought about writing ceremonies which recognize these relationships in your congregations and detailing how to foster and celebrate these relationships over the course of your church year. 

I would begin again and again, and over and over I would completely hit a brick wall. Something was missing, and I couldn’t quite figure out what it was. Something bothered me about this work, and I couldn’t understand what it was. 

I finally realized that the first article had some pretty large assumptions in it, and I don’t think we can continue to build programs for youth – or for anyone in our congregations – until these assumptions are spoken.  Writing a program of this nature – in all its glorious detail – is something that I absolutely love to do, and will do. I worry, however, that this program will become a technical solution to an adaptive issue. If the underlying philosophy of youth in the congregation is not addressed, a program such as this will surely fail. We first have to look at the congregational culture around children, youth, and even young adults before any structure can be imposed. 

My first assumption in that first article is that some, but not all, youth programs are not “working” in congregations. By not working, I mean failing to maintain attendance, interest, and energy. I also might mean that they are not serving our youth, not helping them become more spiritually healthy and grounded individuals, and not giving youth a spiritual community which helps them navigate the choppy waters of adolescence.  I think the response to the first article tells me that this rings true for many.

A second assumption is that youth need those things I just mentioned: the opportunity to grow spiritually as individuals and a community that grounds and supports them.  These are two of the main reasons people come to church at all, and we forget that youth are looking for these things in a church as well.  I believe this assumption also strikes many as true, both in their personal experience and with regard to research on the subject. 

A third and final assumption is that our goal is for our congregations to be whole communities where all people are welcomed. I believe most Unitarian Universalists would also affirm this statement, but the shadow side of this remark is the underlying assumption that our congregations are historically segregated places. It was a large advancement in religious education when we realized that children and youth are not mini-adults, and that they have unique needs and desires. We made church a significantly more welcoming place when we gave people of all ages an opportunity to be together in cohort groups which catered to the particular developmental needs of a certain age group. This culture change was nothing short of a revolution, and it served our communities well. 

As time went on, however, our churches came to rely on the model where children went one way, youth another, and adults a third. We came to see – and implicitly teach – that RE is for kids, youth group is for youth, and worship is for adults. We started to come into church to drop off our kids to receive their liberal religious education and to have our “adult time."  Church became more and more segregated on the basis of age, with fewer and fewer opportunities for the whole community to be together and create meaning.  Somewhere along the way, we forgot that church was meant to be one whole community, where people of all ages learn and teach together and figure out what it means to live a Unitarian Universalist life. Since Unitarian Universalism is a covenantal, not creedal, religion, the way in which we are in covenantal community with one another is how we practice our religion. If we are not doing that as a whole community, then I would venture to say we are broken. 

We have seen so many of the harsh implications of this model play out in our congregations and in our larger communities. Youth who are segregated into youth groups – no matter how high-functioning and engaging those groups are– bridge into young adulthood and realize that the church they have grown to know and love does not exist beyond high school.  In fact, it is often the case that the better the youth group, the harder it is to transition to congregational life. Where once youth were leaders in their youth groups, they find their voices marginalized in the larger congregation, both as youth and as young adults. So, unable to find a place, they leave.  And hopefully, if we are lucky, they return when the congregation serves their needs again – most often when they have families of their own. 

As communities of faith, we are not whole. By marginalizing youth and young adults, and by failing to change our very specific culture to include their voices and help their spiritual needs to be met in the context of the larger community, we are breaking ourselves over and over. I, for one, refuse to accept this brokenness  as the inevitability that I was taught it was. 

I believe in Whole Church. I believe in whole community. I think it is time for the pendulum to swing back toward spending more time together as a complete community. It is time for us to remember – as we once knew so well – that everyone, regardless of age, needs to come together to make sense of the world (worship), to learn about ourselves and others (religious education), to create community and break bread together (fellowship), to get in touch with the deepest part of ourselves and to listen to that still small voice (spiritual practice), and to be of service in the name of Love (justice-making).  And we need time to do those things together, because it’s all of our responsibility to pass our religion to our children and youth. They need us, they need our communities, they need our knowledge, and they need our love. And we most definitely need theirs. 

Whole Church means that all people are welcomed and accepted into our community. It means that we recognize that people of different ages have different needs, and we seek to be in relationship with them as they go about their journey of becoming. It is the idea that not just the perfect parts of us are welcome, but the parts that we are still working on are welcome, too. We are free to be ourselves in our communities, even if that means sometimes our shared space is quiet and sometimes our shared space is loud. We are free to be ourselves here, even if that means some of us want to pray and some of us want to sing and some of us want to cry and some of us want to dance. All of our expressions of faith are welcomed  because that is how we see the sacred beyond our own hearts. 

Whole Church means that we support families and not just individuals. It means we help parents and grandparents talk to children about what is most important. It means we give youth the meaningful relationships with adults who are not their parents to ensure their healthy development. It means that we see the community as a place where we build the world we dream about, one child and youth at a time. It means that we step into teaching and mentorship roles for children and youth because it’s hard to be a parent, and we can support each other spiritually and emotionally by being the village we all so desperately need.  It means that saving the world starts with raising children who know boundless love, and church is a place where we can go to intentionally do that. 

That is not to say, however, that  Whole Church means we are together all the time. Of course we still have time for children to run on the playground while adults drink hot coffee and talk about things other than Thomas the Tank Engine. Of course we have time to be together in developmentally appropriate ways, with information and conversation that is geared for a particular age. But it also means that our whole selves are welcome wherever we are on the path, and we join our lives together in covenantal community.  It means we are intentional about our time together and our time apart, and we live our lives in the balance between the two. Whole Church calls us to be co-creators of our faith communities, not consumers of it. If we desire a community where all are welcome and encouraged on their spiritual journey, then we are called to be the welcomers, even when that call makes us uncomfortable or the community transforms into something that we weren’t expecting.  

So, going all the way back to the way this article began, I can’t talk about mentorship programs in a congregation without talking about Whole Church. We have to think about having authentic relationships with youth where they are included in the fabric of the community for the gifts they bring and the needs they have right in this very moment. If we don’t think about the overall culture of our congregations and how welcoming they are to all people, no matter what their age, then the mentoring relationship has little foundation. It will be unsupported, and it could end up being just another program. Could it succeed without widespread culture change? Maybe. But isn’t it one of our promises to one another that we don’t have to do all of this hard work alone? 

To be truly transformational in our relationships and the lives of our Youth, I urge us to think about the larger congregational culture that supports and sustains the spiritual development of all people in the community, and how we do that through our authentic and personal relationships with each individual, regardless of age, religion, beliefs, gender identity, sexual orientation, physical ability, ethnic and cultural background, or income level. No matter how you got here or where you came from, no matter how long you’ve been traveling, Unitarian Universalism welcomes you. We must be those people for our Youth, so that we can all continue to be those people for the world.